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No reason.

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Give It Up Bubble-Lady

I considered putting this blog on the one we have set up for the magazine, but nobody reads that. Probably because we don't put anything on it.

The bulk of my time right now is magazine related. Brainstorming, contemplating, giving feedback, editing, researching, building contacts, interviewing and many other things have all been part of the process. These days it is selling ad space. I think Marketing may be the first position we fill when we start hiring . . . after the Accountant, obviously. And, maybe, our Personal Assistant.

I admittedly, and willingly, live in a bubble. I have often requested that others carefully navigate this bubble because I don't want it to pop. In this bubble, selling ad space was easy. One glance of our vision and people would gladly jump aboard! With my eyes opened to reality last week, selling ad space is time consuming, unsure and way more important then we intended it to be. After not getting the grants we applied for, and wanting to do this free of debt, ad space became our main source of initial income. Yikes.

In order to have the money we need to print, we have to have 3 of 7 alloted spaces sold. Or lots of people willing to pay for subscriptions before they ever see anything. We have one of those willing people, but his $13.00 will print about 10 magazines. Not exactly our first run quota.

Friday afternoon I sat at Agia Sophia, unmotivated and easily distracted. I had let the pressure get to me. By the end of the time I was so frustrated I packed everything up (carelessly leaving my computer cord behind) and drove home, tension filling my shoulders as I rehashed my inefficient hours. And then it hit me. I had to give it up. All of it.

We have never intended the magazine to be "ours". It is a labor of love, a tool, a vehicle that will, hopefully and prayerfully, bring awareness and change. It is not a prison, not mine to control, not a work of only my hands. I had to give it back and give it up.

So Friday afternoon, when I wanted to sit down and try again, I loaded everything into my closet and vowed not to touch it or think about it for the weekend. Sort of a passion fast. I had to give up what I was holding so tightly to I was about to kill it. And breathe.

So I prayed and released gradually, as sometimes is necessary, and felt the tension ease out of my shoulders as I realized, again, that my feeble attempts will never be enough. I must, and will, let it go before I ruin it.

In all of my letting go I had another reminder seep into consciousness - thankfulness. Time and time again I have to be reminded that being thankful puts everything into perspective. I want to be considered a thankful person, but it is easy to let it slip. It feels so much less powerful then doing and striving and proving. Thankfulness is like the secret code that gets you into the inner room. The key. Without it, all is hidden behind a veil and no matter how much you knock or pound, nothing will open until you utter the deep, heartfelt words of thanks.

I may be back to ad space and editing today, but in my fingers I know it is a different energy. Not one I am pushing out and running low on, but that which is in never-ending supply. I love that I get to live my dream job, enjoy Mondays and conference calls and too many emails. May this house be built on sweat and faith, not just sweat.

Green Sick and Green Tired of Green Politics

Today I heard an advertisement from a company in the United States tooting their own horn about doing so much research to help find green, sustainable living. I almost shouted and drove off the road. I am soooooo tired of hearing big business say they are changing the world with their 10 and 15 percent green and research. Do they think we don't already have the technology and the research to be environmentally friendly?

There is a city in Germany that is called one of the greenest cities in the world. The high energy efficiency requirements for housing, solar panels, low vehicle admittance, a design that encourages walking and/or bike riding, and more have made it so the residents of Freiburg, Germany actually produce more energy then they use. Plus, because Germany has passed laws requiring that excess energy be bought from families at a fixed rate, the residents are making money by living in their environmentally friendly homes. (Which, I add, are very nice.)

Children play in the streets, since there are few cars and the city gives pedestrians and cyclists full use of roadways while cars are required to drive at walking speeds. Compost and waste are processed to create more energy, which is sold back to the city as well. Even the hotel in Freiburg boasts efficiency with solar paneling as does the sports complex that runs completely independently.

Below are links about Freiburg. I would like big business in the US to be boasting about placing technology in use instead of researching something that can already begin to be implemented.

http://ucdesustainability.blogspot.com/2009/07/solar-energy-use-in-freiburg-germany.html

http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2008/mar/23/freiburg.germany.greenest.city

tattoing livestock brings man artistic honors

I actually can't find words. I feel strangely violated seeing this, but can't pin point why . . .

I made up the headline.

Little Miss Piggy's Cold

I have been so tired these last few days. After not sleeping Friday night due to the brisk chill of the Winter Park, Colorado air, I found myself in a deep slumber Saturday night. And Sunday. And then again Sunday night. I woke up late for my Conference Call today. Luckily, you can have Skype meetings in pajama's, but that isn't a habit I want to get into.

I decided to do a little research on the H1N1 virus, not because I think I have it, but because I have been so decisively against the vaccination that I wanted to get some proper research done. The chart shows the number of people going to the doctor or the hospital for any kind of flu type illness. The red is this year.

I am still not getting the vaccination. Below is a chart of deaths for Pneumonia and Influenza. What this chart shows me is that last year was a bad year, but some how it looks the same since 2006. Does that mean we have had pandemonium since 2006 and I just wasn't paying attention?

If you want more info and stats to make decisions about getting H1N1 vaccinations, here is a link to the CDC:

http://www.cdc.gov/flu/weekly/

All I ask is that people make decisions because they really have an idea of what is going on, not just because someone told you something. A little google searching can go a long way.

If you want perspective on what really makes a pandemic here is a link to research on Spanish Influenza:

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/influenza/index.html

Acquiring Information

If you have heard of the StrengthsFinder book/test you know that it measures your top five strengths, out of 64, based on your response to a long, tedious computer test. (I wonder if there is a strength given to those who just don't finish the test?!) If you didn't know that, I just told you and you can buy the book and get a code and take the test and find out what you should focus your energy on, strengths wise. The argument is that trying to fix weaknesses doesn't improve your ability to contribute to anything - work, relationships, or hobbies. Rather, focusing on what you are good at, and getting better, leads you into a life where you will be most "successful" or at least really good at what you are doing, depending on your definition of successful.

Three of my top five strengths involve information. Input (Gathering Info), Intellection (Thinking about Info), and Learner. (The other two are Restoration and Connectedness if you were wondering).

This test has helped me understand that I am not a fickle, flighty person who just jumps around from thing to thing, uprooted and irresponsible. Rather, I now see that I am wired to search, attain and process information. I am Google. Walking.

Week Gone By - Test Your Time Skills

My sister and I were talking last night about how perspective changes everything. For example: You sit down with someone who keeps telling you they have no time and have them actually write out their schedule and show them where they do have time. Or, the person who always says they have no money, but a quick review of their ledger shows otherwise. Perspective truly changes everything.
My sister brought up a good point about expectations. It seems, and I am guilty of this, most people put lower productivity expectations on themselves then they do other people. If I work four hours, I feel accomplished, but when my mom says she is tired after her part-time job I heckle her. Yes, heckle.
This week I saw this first hand - somehow, having to be at work at 8:30am meant that I didn't have time to work out, work on the magazine, grocery shop, do laundry or be at all productive. Silly me, I was done working at 12:30, I had all kinds of time! However, once I walked out and away from my computer I was tired and felt like I had done enough. That is what happens when someone else decides my schedule. I just don't take control of my time.
I am using this example as an arguement for being my own boss forever.

Vision Attack! Small weapons make all the difference.

I have to candidly admit that I had a really hard day yesterday concerning my current venture of co-launching Eye See Media. Up until now - about six months - I haven't thought twice about our "ability" to do such a thing. The right events, people, encouragement, finances and focus have all been available and we have repeatedly said that it felt like the train was moving with or without us. For some unimaginable reason yesterday was different. I sat back at my temporary little law office desk and felt this incredible anxiety - what if we couldn't do it? What was I thinking? How could this really be accomplished? It all went streaming through my head and my heart, willing me to throw in the towel on everything we have already done.

Later that day I went to lunch with my mom and grabbed an Honest Mate out of the cooler. When I opened it, the cap read simply:

Unless someone like you cares a whole lot,

nothing is going to get better.

It's not. -The Lorax, Dr. Seuss.

It seems simple enough, but it made a huge difference. I want things to get better. I am young enough or naive enough to believe it can happen because people can be a part of change. It is funny how the smallest thing can spin you back around and face you the right direction.

Follow up on the Fuel Tank

I mentioned in my previous blog that I barely made it to work on the gas I had. It is not an exaggeration. I coasted part of the way and took only streets that I wouldn't mind being stuck on if it came to that. After four grueling hours of work (and trying to figure out how to put gas in my car with 93 cents in the bank), I decided the best bet was to count up the change laying around the floor and ashtray. The total: $2.10. Not enough for even a gallon of the premium unleaded fuel required to run the WRX, but enough to get me to the nearest Safeway (7 miles) so I could use the gift card I had sitting in my wallet.

That particular Safeway is only 3 blocks from my paternal grandmothers, so I stopped in for a visit with the feisty woman before heading home, not running on fumes, and sure I could make it into work for one more set of hourly wage fun!

Thinking Clearly

I always seem to think more clearly about money when I don't have it. You know, the in-between paycheck time when it is very clear where the money should be going versus the money-in-my-pocket time when I desperately need things I didn't even consider before - and need them more then I need to pay a bill. So I have started budgetting differently. Since I don't have a steady income, I haven't been able to have a steady budget. On one hand, it has been great to know (and a good deal less stressful) that I don't have credit card bills or major car payments, but on the other hand it means I have to reign in the freedom and make good decisions. Realizing all of this I have started to make out my bi-monthly budget during the low points in the ledger. It is then that I remember bills I tend to put on the back burner during the surplus. It is then I tend to want to be the most generous. And it is then that I count my blessings for at least knowing a check is on the way. So today, a barely-made-it-to-work-with-that-amount-of-gas day, I budgetted my upcoming paycheck and am proud to say it looks better then I expected. I have thought it through, kept emotion out of it, and wasn't trying to budget in any new fabulous clothes staring me down straight from the rack.

I also have discovered the newest form of cyber coupon cutting. Check out the Safeway or King Soopers websites and you will find a link to a site where you register your club cards, click on the coupons you would want to take to the store and, instead of clipping, printing and trying to remember, the coupon is loaded right onto your club card and is used automatically when you scan it at the register. Beautiful.

Melting Pot Culturalism

(image by: Marianne Von Fange)

I am a country girl. I listen to country music and like the wilderness. I camp. I can make a great fire. Campfire is actually my favorite scent, but I often opt for pine. Hiking may be my all time favorite activity. I can grill a mean steak.

I also love things like traveling, plays, underground music, string instruments, painting, reading classics, talking politics, coffee shops, hammocks, oceans, curry, heels, pubs, and pedicures. I have a rather low patriotism, not because I don't think this country is great, but because I have seen too much to actively pedestal our ideas.

I am a product of melting pot culture. A conglomeration of traditions, histories, and dreams from all over the world. Resilience is inherent because of my ancestors fight. Ambition is highly valued as we grab another rung. Independence is vital as dependence has meant pain and destruction for the group.

One of the great things about melting pot culture is the opportunity to understand others. One of the downfalls: Options.

We are a great number of individuals, from 20 to 50, that don't know what to focus our lives on. We have so many options and the inability to narrow our scope has made a group of un-specialized, ineffective, inch-deep world changers. No wonder we are frustrated with the lack of result. We have tried everything under the sun for a few months and then moved on. We left our shovels and bull-dozers to rust while we pulled out a spoon to dig.

Some of the best advice I was ever given was to ask myself the following question: What could you do for hours on end, without getting paid, and be energized by it? If list is long or disjointed, prioritize and begin to specialize. (Credit for good advice goes to Aaron Stern)

At the time I didn't even know how to answer the first question, let alone choose a direction. I was interested in everything, wanted to go everywhere and see it all. As the following year passed I realized what my answer was and can now be found for hours on end, in a coffee shop of my daily choosing, working for no pay and loving every minute of it - and for the first time I can see real change happening. I am not doubting my effectiveness or position in life. There is possibility at my fingertips and I will dig for this non-material motherload. It is worth too much to leave behind.

I hope you dig deep. Plant deep. See change happen deep. There is no other way to reach our goals then to actively pursue them through the storm, to take the time to understand and answer with a new strategy.

Genius Sidebar

I wish life had a Genius Sidebar. You know, that part of iTunes that recommends what you might like based on what you already like. It would be great for a little screen to pop up that said, "If you like these restaurants, try ______" or "If you like that cup of coffee, try ______" or "This TV show might be just right for you: _______" howabout "If you are friends with this person, you'll really get along with ________" Yeah, it would be great to have those kinds of recommendations throughout the day. There will always be the true favorites. Cappuccino from Rico's in downtown Colorado Springs. Noodles from that random restaurant in China - I still crave those sometimes. Any and every part of Ireland - Talking horses, bogs, rentals, Skellig, the smell of fresh beauty. Nepali food. I enjoy the adventure of discovering, uncovering, risking and stepping out into the new, but sometimes I could use a little Genius.

Cello

I have started to play the cello.

I love it.

I have a sneaking suspicion that either (1) I was meant to play the cello and, therefore, am picking it up like Mozart at the piano . . . just 22 years later then his first performance, or (2) I am finally mature enough to stick with something and realize the benefit of practice. Either way, I really enjoy playing the cello.

Now, can I play some Celtic music on the cello, or should I stick to Jingle Bells?

Psych

Okay, I found my new favorite television show. In its fourth season, Psych apparently airs on USA, I, however, have the first season on disc (no commercials!!!) and some On Demand action. :) That is the way to go.

James Roday plays Shawn Spencer, a fake psychic who plays up the drama when he solves a case for the Police. Here is a little line I like to laugh at, "My license to kill? Revoked. Little problem at the Kazakhstan border. I would tell you about it, but then I would have to kill you. Which I can't because my license has been revoked."

Extreme Home Makeover

I love watching Extreme Makeover -Home Edition. Today I was crying within the first 6 minutes. It makes me want to be a contractor and build people new houses. For now, I will dream of Ty Pennington and grab some extra kleenex.

Nothing

Wow. I absolutely have not blogged about anything in a while. Sorry folks.

Just as an update - here is what I am thinking about today: IRELAND. My goodness, I don't think I will ever be okay not living in Ireland.

I think you should go listen to the Irish and Celtic Music Podcast. That is the only way you can truly know how I feel :)

Wish Time Would Stop

There are some situations where I wish we had the ability to just stop the world from moving on. I wish that the entire planet would be reverant to one persons time of tragedy or need.

Yesterday my little sister had to take her 7-year-old dog in to be put to rest. He was very sick and this decision came after a lot of tears, consideration, and visits to the vet. It was hard to have to think about the details of life, the to-do lists and schedules.

The same thing occurred to me when I was in Zimbabwe. Eating, drinking, plans, lists, it all keeps going no matter what is happening to mankind. The thankful heart that the last few hours of work sped by gets forgotten when it would be more appropriate for time to stand still.

Top 10 Reasons . . .

I know, I know, I haven't posted in a month. I am sorry. So very sorry. The truth is things here in the Springs have started to catch up and, hopefully, there will be more blogging than in the last 30 days.

Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine about weddings. I mentioned that I don't want a wedding. Marriage, yes. Wedding, no. My friend asked for my reasoning, stating that a lot of women who don't want a wedding are bitter or heartbroken. That is not the case with me. I love life, where it is right now. So here are my top ten reasons I, personally, don't want a wedding: (Disclaimer: These apply to no one else. To my friends whose weddings I am in or have attended recently: I am so happy for you and am honored that you asked me to be a part.)

In no particular order (just because I don't want to take the time)

1. Being "should" on: Weddings have a lot of "should" involved. Do you invite Aunt Mary because you should? What about those cousins on the guest list you don't actually know? Do you toast in the middle or at the end? Do you invite a soon-to-be bro or sister-in-law to be in the wedding party? Tradition, tradition, tradition. I don't like being should on.

2. Stress: I am a simple girl. I like simple beauty, things that don't try and look beautiful and working hard on what will last. I have walked with several friends through wedding planning and, let's face it, seeing if your relationship can withstand the stress is not how I want to start a life together.

3. Timelines: Do you stay engaged for 24 hours? 24 days? 24 months? What is the right answer? Is there a right answer? Who knows.

4. How much does that dress cost?

5. Mysterious symbolic traditions: What do the bridesmaids represent? What is the history of golden bands of precious stone and metal? Why pink and floral? The best wedding I went to this year had traditions from Latin America that were explained and as the bride and groom participated, you knew the commitment they were making. I am afraid it is not so in the majority of weddings. What are we doing?

6. How much is it appropriate to charge my friends for being in my wedding? (bridesmaid dresses, parties, time) My dream day versus their budget . . . hmmmm

7. Hassle + hassle + hassle = hooplah. Not a fan of the hooplah.

8. Do you know how long I can live on $10,000?

9. My mom offered to pay my sister to not have a wedding. That's gotta mean something.

10. I am more excited about life and future than one day of silk and lace.

11. (sorry, can't stop) I utterly despise being the center of attention.

So, hopefully that doesn't sound bitter, or take away from the truth of the weddings I am able to participate in. It is just personal preference. Most of my closest friends know these things, but now it is in writing. :0)

Love conquers all.

In the Night

I was laying around, unable to sleep last night thinking about possible blog topics. Now, on this beautiful Saturday morning, I can't remember them. I am sure they were amazing and insightful and full of passion, but the lazy, perfect-weather weekend I am currently a part of is stealing all that from me, and I gladly give it over.

The house I stay in right now has an amazing view of Pikes Peak. Tall and majestic in the distance, it is this peak that often triggers the deep feeling of history that comes from living here in Colorado for the majority of my life. Excursions to the four corners of the earth have not taken the streets that I know and the memories that I have from this place.

Yesterday, however, I realized that I have not been around as much as I imagine. Things have changed that I haven't witnessed. New buildings. New roads. New houses. New couples. New families. New traditions. While the familiar weights me in comfort, the unfamiliar reminds me of my pilgrammage and the fact that I will never be "home" until I am Home.

I find it interesting that every few months I re-evaluate what I am doing with my life in order to commit to it again at another level. I consider the "pros" and "cons" - which, truthfully, have very little effect in the decisions I make. I consider the possibilities and opportunities, which weigh slightly more heavily. Then I come to the same conclusion I always do - that I can stand behind every decision I have made, good and bad, and that I am not going to stop pursueing that which I can't understand in exchange for what so many believe is the only way. The Great Mystery woos me again.

Smells like Primate

I am creating a phrase.

You know when you do something really silly, simplistic and overall (let's just say it even though our mommies told us not to) really, really dumb? And, in this moment of ridiculous behavior, your friends need to call you out on it? I suggest using the phrase: Smells like primate! Referring, of course, to the the fact that the stupid behavior (the one you are thinking about right now) is a witness to a regressing evolutionary cycle that sometimes, and unfortunately repeatedly, still plagues mankind.

Why this phrase? Here are the top 5 reasons:

1. It is WAY more appropriate that cursing

2. It is rather funny and will get you (or your friend) to stop belly gazing

3. It is less harsh then calling someone an idiot - or similar phrase

4. It could really take off and we would be on the front edge of it

5. It really works

So practice it today, in whatever part of the world you are in. When the driver in front of you cuts you off to slam on his (or her . . . probably her) brakes, "Smells like Primate!" When you say something SO not true about yourself and get wild-eyed stares as responses from your friends, "Smells like Primate!" When you overbook, overcommit and feel silly explaining it to your boss, "Smells like Primate!"

Let's not be rude, though. Rude is like . . . pre-primate behavior.

How I love the Library!

I love the library. I think my generation underestimates the library and I fear its demise because of disuse. Today I went to check out a book I put on hold. As I pulled up, mothers with their numerous children flocked in the door, canvas bags in hand, ready to switch out old, read books for new, exciting adventures in literature. The rotating doors whirled and spun with kids, reminding me of a black and white movie candy shop entrances or Christmas at Macy's back in the day. ("The day" referring to the period of time before my birth) Reading is fun.

Just say "Yes!"

I have a condition. I looked it up online and can't find a name for it, but here is the scenario:

I walk into any business establishment to discuss terms of their services. Be it a bank, a gym or a salon it doesn't matter. Some wily employee sits me on the opposite side of his desk and this is when it hits - it doesn't matter what they say, what I am looking for or how badly I DON'T need it, once I am on the other side of that desk, they can pretty much talk me into anything! For years I wasn't allowed to make any contractual decisions, or give away any bank account information without my brother-in-law sitting next to me and agreeing. See, he doesn't have a problem negotiating terms and walking away if it doesn't meet the agreed upon need or budget like I do.

Earlier this week, Wednesday to be exact, I walked into a bank to make a deposit into a friends account. I had done this before with no problem, but at another branch. I seriously think it was like the "Personal Banker" saw me coming. He lept up, walked towards me and asked how he could help. A simple deposit, that is all I needed. Well, we sat down, me on one side of the desk and him on the other and before I knew it I had opened a new checking account, complete with a United Mileage Plus debit card. Oh gosh.

Meanwhile, my sister, who had dropped me at the bank just to go return a movie in the same shopping mall, was waiting patiently outside. Patiently turned to anxiously. Anxious turned to worry. My one small transaction took way longer (because I was filling out paperwork for my new checking account, and my free $100 opening bonus!). Jessica searched the aisles, glanced into the offices and couldn't find me. She even called my mom and started wondering what horrible thing could have happened to me. No, the banker didn't tell me that I had to get into the dark windowed van parked in the alley in order to open the bank account. I was fine, but I was taking a lot longer then expected.

On the upside, I have a great new checking account, an extra $100.00, a new personal banker who I may or may not have a crush on and have humbly been reminded that I am not old enough to make my own decisions solely. That is why I have friends and bro-in-laws to help!

Moving Green - Getting Blue

Something struck me as I re-entered the U.S. this time around. I cannot pin point the change, but somewhere around the first chapter of Hot, Flat and Crowded and while grabbing one more bottled water, I became increasingly committed to living well on Earth - i.e. making my carbon footprint shrink in size. As a learner at heart, I usually focus on a particular subject and dive into it for a season. This seasons topic - going green. The environment and how to interact with it well has become my new study subject, and the subject of the majority of the eight library books stacked near my bed with bookmarks scattered through them.

In the last weeks we have started recycling at my house, cut energy consumption, driven fewer miles and begun buying fresh fruits and vegetables at local farmers markets instead of corporate groceries. These are small steps in my personal movement towards protecting the earth.

As I have jumped into the Green Scene, it has become increasingly difficult to not get bogged down with all that is amiss in the way we (Americans) shop, live, dispose, consume and erode. Thankfully, a few authors have made the way much more feasible by making it simple. In 50 Things You Can Do To Save the Earth, the Javna's present easy to remedy consumption issues and solutions that can be worked into almost any life. For example, number 13 in the book is Think Globally, Eat Locally. The goal: Support farmers in your area by eating locally grown food. Pretty simple, especially in the summer when the farmer's market is on every Saturday morning and there is nothing like Rocky Ford, Colorado cherries, anyway! Or number 40, The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea with a weekly challenge to not accumulate any more plastic bags - not even from newspaper delivery. (Go ahead, just try it.)

One of the sub-topics that have really interested me deals directly with consumerism - voting with your spending power. This is a huge deal in the U.S., and as I have already bucked the system with the career and education decisions I have made, why not jump into spending habits that may flow upstream, but will keep the steams flowing. If you want to know how much power there really is in being a mindful consumer, check out Big Green Purse by Diane MacEachern. In an organizational style I have loved, MacEachern has created a reference with has Thumbs Up and Thumbs Down sections, telling you what to use, where to shop and what to avoid. She also gives tips and alternatives to what is already being used and consumed to move you in the right direction.

The Green Movement may sometimes be frusturating and seemingly impossible to live up to, but stop holding your breath, there are ways to get on the boat and plenty of organic, biodegradable life rafts available - possibly even made out of corn.

Who'll Write Your Biography?

Have you ever stood in front of someone with a false smile on your face and a, "Just fine," response that was so forced it nearly caused a brain aneurysm? Or sat in a group of people using the word "blessed" so many times that the meaning of the word became weightless right in front of you? Brokenness is not a hot commodity in our world. It isn't looked upon or handled well. We don't flaunt it like new cars or new clothes. When a person can't pull themselves together we so often respond with blame or quick fix answers that hurt deeper still. How many times have I smudged my way through a testimony of grace and forgiveness, ignoring the hard reality of the moments not covered in love? How many exciting personal triumphs get downplayed because few know the depth of the pit in the first place? Why does it seem more appropriate to talk about our struggles when we have beat them, then to speak out a cry for comfort/help/community in the midst of them?

I was chatting with a friend of mine a couple days ago that is in a hard spot. I had no advice to offer, no real comfort and we both knew that patent answers weren't going to cut it. On my way home I pondered the condition of my own community. Who stands with me? Who lets me fall? Who is still there when I am deep in darkness, dirty and poor (and they know it)? As I was thinking I thought about God, the AUTHOR of our lives. The one who writes, and rights, our stories.

On Earth we read biographies because people overcame or pioneered or lived an inspiring few years here. We read, and so often glorify, the independent individual who beat all odds and sacrificed everything to bring something into the world that we all became familiar with - whether an idea or a convenience or another progression of something we already had. The biographers write the story and highlight the success and we read in wonder and heroism.

I don't think God is that kind of biographer. When I see the book of my life (or short story, or article) I will read of a lot of hurt. I will read of a lot of doubt and fear. I will read of a girl, created by God, living life to honor Him and failing in her own humanity. I will read of a girl crying out for mercy instead of judgement, not only for others as I do in public, but for myself as I so often silently scream. The pages of my biography will be tear stained and painful, but they will be real, and in them there will be woven hope, promise and perseverance. Brokenness interrupted by occasional fruit or "success." Messiness interrupted by occasional moments of revelation and awe. In all this there will be God - moving, teaching, challenging, listening, speaking - why? Because He is the story. In my good and in my bad, He is the story.

The silent scream in my city is that of authenticity. Dirtiness. Love that is difficult to muster, but mustered still. The silent scream of my heart is for the same. I do not dwell in difficulty or exalt hardship, but it is part of my life. An ongoing, engagement requiring, ferocious part of my life. As a Christian, I admit to wondering about my faith, doubting what I once thought I knew, questioning the things that are supposed to be absolute and redefining the word "absolute." In the chaos that results from digging up roots long growing in the depths of my soul and the doubts I have at my own ability to receive mercy from God, He is. And in my most heartfelt cry, I know that regardless of where I stand at the end of all time, He is and always will be. If I fail, He is. If I deny, He is. If I grow, He is.

"I'm so glad that this has taken me so long, 'cause it's the journey that made me so strong."

Home

I wonder about the idea of "home." I have been looking for this idea for the majority of my life. Do we really have a place to call home? Or is it based on people we know? Is there a culture that feels like home? Somewhere we are made for? I call Colorado Springs home because it is where I grew up and where my immediate family resides. I don't, however, have any mushy, glowing feeling about Colorado Springs. I like it. I know it. I live in it from time to time, but it doesn't feed me, sustain me, nourish me. Ireland felt the most like what I imagine home to feel like. I fit there like I have never fit anywhere else. I came from that land and my ancestry is rooted there. I could see glimpses of myself in the interactions I had with people there, whether they were deep or impacting or not.
So what makes a home? Family? Comforts? Familiarity? A closet and not having to live out of a suitcase? When someone asks you to plant roots, does it have to be in one place, monotonous, to be valid? Or can you plant roots in an idea, a cause, a belief? I don't feel uprooted, but I clearly have not stayed in one place for long in the last few years. Does that make what I do or who I am invalid? Irrational? Immature?
I wonder about our corporate idea of roots and solidarity. It may not look or feel like the traditional definition, but what I have and what my friends have is authentic. I am convinced of that.

Not Myself

Do you ever have those times where you feel less like yourself then normal? The situations where your comfort zone is in another time zone and the voice in the back of your head is saying, "did I really just say that?" I have these times. The truth is, I feel like some people get me and others don't. What do I do for a living? Whatever I am supposed to today. What is my passion? Loving people really well and figuring out what it means to be a disciple. Do I have problems? More then my fair share I think and a lot of people that have pulled next to me, stood behind me, cheered me on and refused to judge. Amen for them. So this is my thought today. I would really, really like to be someone that gave people a fair shot. I would really, really like to be someone that doesn't walk away from a potential friend, doesn't give up on a misunderstood person, refuses to back down when someone has a dream they can't fulfill by themselves. More than anything I don't want to judge. I don't care if your hair color, your bank account, your past actions, your semantics are different than mine. I want to know the you behind the you that everyone else sees. I want to know the you that comes out on the 11th hour and the you that is shy in the first minutes of meeting someone. I want dig deeper and know how deep your well goes, not for my sake, but so you can believe in yourself. I desire to try my damndest to not jump to conclussions, because first impressions and rash judgments are based in limited information. I will be steadfast. Not rooted in one place, but rooted in love.

Oh THAT Phrase!

So I went on a date yesterday. I know half of you are saying, "What? Who are you and what have you done with Darcie?" and the other half of you are saying, "It is about friggin' time." I don't care which side you fall on. It happened, that isn't what I am writing about.
Today I found out that the person I went on a date with didn't really think we were a good fit. Again, fine. I can't say if he is right or not, I don't feel like we know each other that well to make a statement, but still not what I am writing about. Just a little background to get to my vent.
A couple of close friends knew about this date and the circumstances around it and what I was thinking. In order to keep them in the loop I sent them each an email explaining that it wasn't going to work out. Then that dreaded phrase, "Don't worry. It will happen for you."
IT? What it? Like there is something missing in my life that means I should be sitting back waiting for a relationship. I love what I am doing with my life. I really, really do. I don't feel like I am missing anything. I don't feel like I am looking for someone to fulfill some deep hole in my chest. I am full. I am happy. I am doing what I love. So why the IT?
So, I have a request. I would really like everyone to stop looking at other people like they are missing half their face if they aren't married. That would be great.
[please read this blog like a sarcastic, comedic statement. I am not bitter. I just get a little tired of IT]
Also, I am sorry this is the first blog back from Ireland. I will catch you up on what is going down. Promise. Just had a lot on my mind this last week :)

Shockingly Beautiful

No words . . . just photos that capture a small percentage of the beauty.

Higher Than Average!!!

A couple of days ago Marianne and I were staying at a farmhouse near Cahirsiveen on the Iveragh Peninsula (where the Ring of Kerry is). We decided we wanted to go for a hike. All around the peninsula are little signs for the elaborate walking trails in the ring, so we thought we would just turn at the first sign we saw and follow a trail until we were satisfied. Just before the start of the trail we found was a sign with some basic information and a map. This sign clearly stated, "for higher than average fitness levels," and showed the trail reaching the tops of two peaks in the area. We remained undetered, though fairly sure we would not finish the trail and were not "higher than average." We set off with the recommended minimum supplies of snacks and raingear just to find ourselves trapsing through fields and scattering sheep as we climbed towards the top of our first Irish peak.

Four hours later (the exact estimated time for the hike) Marianne and I stumbled upon our car and had completed the loop!!! We are officially higher than average.

The way we roll

Driving around Ireland was the best decision. If you like road tripping, I highly recommend this option!!!

Idyllic

I may never leave

Darcie and Marianne's Tour Company, Day Two Itinerary: Start off heading the opposite direction from where you thought you were going. See some great things, then turn around. Walk through the city center shopping district, and discover a beautiful park - St. Stephan's Green. Sit and enjoy the weather until the pigeon's spy your scone and then leave on a hunt for a random pub. Enjoy short jaunts into interesting looking places just for the fun of it. Find random pub, eat lunch next door. Buy food for dinner. Nap. Eat dinner. Walk to St. Patrick's Cathedral and meet four Irish youth who are exceptionally fascinated with dread-locks and commission some drawings for C.O.D. Walk home towards the sunset.

Day One of "I LOVE THIS LIFE"

I love Ireland!!!!!